Broken Boundaries
by American Fantasy
Summary: Janeway struggles to keep her relationship with Chakotay hidden behind closed doors as their feelings for each other interferes with their arrangement.
1. Chapter 1

_Written for VAMB Secret Summer 2013 for CJ Janeway who provided the opening._

* * *

><p>"<em>It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single first officer must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first being commissioned to a starship, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the crew, that he is considered as the rightful property of the captain."<em>

It was a warm summers morning in Southern England. The windows were wide open bringing with every gentle breeze, a cooling air. Lying with her head on Chakotay's bare chest and her hand resting lightly on his pectoral muscle, a simple white sheet draped over their naked bodies as they basked in the afterglow of their earlier lovemaking. Kathryn smirked as Chakotay read aloud a twisted passage of the Jane Austen classic, Pride and Prejudice.

"I seem to have remembered that passage a little differently," she questioned as she tilted her head up to look at Chakotay, whose arm was wrapped securely around her body, softly caressing her upper arm as they lay entwined with each other.

"It's true," Chakotay teased her, holding the book out in front of him with his free hand. "It says it all there."

Kathryn rolled her eyes, doubtful of such a passage but seemed intent to play along.

"Let me see," she insisted, shifting to reach out and grab the book he held, but Chakotay was quick to hold the book away from her reach.

"Oh no," he looked down at her, snapping the old-fashioned paper book shut.

"You'll just have to trust me."

This time Kathryn lifted her head from his chest and leant herself up on her elbow on the bed as she narrowed her eyes playfully at him.

"Trust you?"

Chakotay watched with pleasure as the sheet that covered her previously had slipped down to her waist, revealing her exposed breasts.

"Yes, trust. I believe you're capable of that," he answered convincingly, leaning into her ear as his voice changed to a faint whisper, "or else we wouldn't be here would we?" he smiled smugly whilst brushing two fingers lightly down her back.

"Chakotay!" she squirmed, laughing as he continued to make her writhe.

Chakotay's face lit up, smiling at her laughter, realizing just how much he adored her. At the same time it saddened him knowing how rare and seldom she shared her laughter.

When he finally stopped and Kathryn's writhing came to an end, she quickly took it as an opportune time to roll over Chakotay and grab the book he held away from her. She had just felt it within her grasp when Chakotay pulled the book further away leaving her fingers and limiting her chances of ever seizing it from him.

"Computer, delete book," he ordered and instantly the book vanished into thin air.

Kathryn pouted in disappointment.

"Well, you're no fun now are you?" she sighed.

Realizing she was practically on top of Chakotay, their nakedness leaving nothing to the imagination, Kathryn gently tried to roll over but realized Chakotay had stopped her, holding her in place firmly by his arm. Their eyes met and Kathryn felt a heat stirring inside of her. Chakotay's large hand came to her face, his fingers skimming down her temples until his palm cupped her cheek. She leant into his touch, feeling the warmth radiating from his hand.

They continued to gaze at each other for a moment, soft smiles gracing their faces. A gust of warm summer air blew through the open windows, rustling the soft white curtains that sent rays of golden light through the room, reflecting off Kathryn's hair. Chakotay watched in awe, mesmerized by her beauty as she glowed in the morning sunlight while the soft breeze rustled her hair lightly. Chakotay swept a lock of hair from her face, tucking it softly behind her ear, continuing to gaze at her adoringly.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered softly.

Kathryn blushed while the corner of her mouth lifted into the half smile that he loved. She leant in slowly, closing the gap between them until their lips touched softly but unlike earlier, when their lips met, there was no burning desire to rush the kiss. It was slow and passionate, as their tongues explored the inner realms of their mouths. They felt content in the moment, kissing each other as if they had all the time in the world. When the kiss came to an end Kathryn leant her head against Chakotay's chest once more, closing her eyes as she allowed her mind to wander.

She had never felt like this before. Her relationship with Chakotay was unlike anything she had ever had in the past. It fueled her with such satisfaction that she felt a strong sense of desire to keep that feeling.

But yet, this wasn't a normal relationship.

Saddened by the reality of the situation, she thought back to when it first began. Remembering the feelings and emotions that had accompanied her that day. She had been apprehensive about it at first, but Chakotay had assured her that it was worth it. Though she would never dispute that the time they had shared together was less than magical, as the weeks had gone by, she began to realize how inadequate the situation had become.

How it had gone from an attraction, and grown to the brink of love.

_9 weeks ago,_

_After taking a stroll through the countryside of Southern England in Kathryn's 19th Century holoprogram, Kathryn and Chakotay came to a turning point when they had exhausted all topics of conversation as they walked next to each other in comfortable silence._

"_Kathryn, can I ask you a question?" Chakotay asked._

_She nodded while keeping her head forward._

"_Do you ever wonder whether friendship is enough between us?"_

_It was that question that had changed the dynamics between them. Kathryn stopped suddenly as though she was rooted to the ground. She turned around facing him, using her hand to shield the sun from her eyes as she looked at him._

"_Where is this coming from?"_

_Chakotay shrugged, his hands dug into the pockets of his pants. "I don't think I need to answer that question do I?"_

_Kathryn looked at him curiously then continued to walk while Chakotay followed._

"_Sometimes I wonder what it would be like," she admitted. "But almost as soon as I do, I am reminded of our position out here, my obligation to the crew, to protocol. Everything that I've been taught says that it can't happen. So then I stop wondering, because if I start to think about it for too long…it begins to hurt."_

_She stopped walking again but she didn't turn to face him this time. Her voice grew softer as her chin dropped to her chest._

"_It's not that I don't care about you, because believe me I do." She looked up at Chakotay as their eyes locked on each other. "But, I can't put my needs ahead of 150 people who are relying on me - relying on you. I'm the Captain and you're the First Officer. We command this ship together and we need to be professional, to set an example for the crew…I hope you understand," she finished sadly as though it had torn her inside._

_Chakotay let her words sink in for a moment, before giving her a firm nod as he continued to walk on._

"_Tell me," he began, trying to test the waters, "Why do you come to a holoprogram like this?" he gestured._

"_It's peaceful. It helps me to relax off duty," She answered automatically without giving the question too much thought._

"_And when it's over that's it?" he inquired, "You shut down the program and leave the holodeck?"_

_Kathryn raised an eyebrow, "Where are you going with this, Chakotay?" she questioned._

"_A holoprogram," he gestured to their surroundings. "We all know how it works, and how the desired result appears. It's as if everything you see is real, but it isn't because once you step outside the holodeck, what once appeared, ceases to exist."_

_Already well aware of the science behind the holodeck, Kathryn narrowed her eyes._

"_Your point?"_

_At this Chakotay stood still as their walking ceased._

"_Let this holoprogram be your escape, let it be our escape. Kathryn, I want to be with you and if that means our relationship exists only within this program, within these parameters, then so be it."_

_Kathryn stood dumbfounded, unsure of how to react. "Are you serious?" her voice questioned with uncertainty._

"_Yes."_

_She didn't understand how he had come to this conclusion. Had it been a spur of the moment idea? or had this plan been stirring inside him for some time?_

_She shook her head, unable to truly contemplate what had been asked of her._

"_Chakotay, It's not that simple," she argued._

_Chakotay smiled at her, while he stood his ground as if he had all the confidence in the world._

"_It can be," he encouraged, stepping closer to her._

_She stifled a laugh, realizing the absurdity of the situation. "I don't think Tuvok would find this arrangement a very logical compromise."_

"_This isn't about Tuvok, or Voyager or anyone else," his tone of voice indicated the seriousness behind his question."This is about us - Kathryn and Chakotay, not the Captain and Commander of the U.S.S Voyager."_

"_A place where ranks are left at the door," Kathryn finished for him._

"_Exactly."_

_They looked at each other longingly. In command mode, Chakotay often noted Kathryn's ease in making decisions readily, so much that it was difficult to see her as she now stood before him, battling an inner struggle within herself. He saw the tiredness behind her eyes, the times when she wished she could just give up, and the fear for what the future may hold._

_Chakotay took another step towards her._

"_Nothing leaves this holodeck." He held his hand out to her. "Trust me."_

…

Kathryn remembered what had followed that conversation. Her face lit up as she was reminded of their first kiss in that open country field and the little nearby villa they made love in. Following that day, they had returned to the program once a week. But each time it had become noticeably harder to leave. Kathryn reflected on the words Chakotay had earlier spoken.

_It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single first officer must be in want of a wife._

She understood what he had meant. If she was being honest with herself, she had felt it coming. It was a feeling that had been simmering for a while, but had quickly begun to boil with every increasing flame until it rose to the top, dangerously close to spilling over the edge.

After a while of silence, Chakotay ran his hand along her side, "You seem quiet," he asked her curiously.

She nestled comfortably on his chest, letting her thoughts wash over her.

"Let's just say, I'd rather not think of _this_ being in the minds of the crew right now."

After falling back into a period of silence, Kathryn spoke again, "Do you think they know?" an element of concern evidently etched into her voice.

"I suspect that some may think there is something going on," he began, noticing her tense against his body. He ran a hand through her hair, trying to ease her worries, "but whatever that may be, is entirely up to their imagination."

When she didn't answer he looked down at her.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," she answered, closing her eyes as she savored every moment she had with him, "Nothing at all."

_TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

The night offered Kathryn, no hopes for sleep. As she turned her head to look beside her, she soon became painfully aware of how cold and empty the other side of her bed seemed. Slipping her hand across the cool sheet she reached out to the other side where the reality of its emptiness was confirmed.

Minutes, or perhaps hours seemed to pass as Kathryn continued to lie in bed while sleep eluded her. Tossing and turning in a desperate attempt to find some comfort, she relived those earlier hours of her day. The musky scent of Chakotay's skin, the sound of his gentle voice and the look of pure adoration as he gazed at her. She could remember each sense so perfectly, as if she had always known him.

An audible sigh broke the silence of her quarters as Kathryn came to the sad conclusion that their time together had ended, almost as quickly as it had begun.

They parted ways after the holodeck, as per usual. Chakotay spent most of the day in his office working on the duty roster while Kathryn spent the rest of the day on the bridge, unbeknownst that neither had accomplished much, if anything at all. Much like her current situation, their minds were occupied elsewhere.

At first, their time together was enough - It had satisfied her, but as the weeks passed and their encounters grew in frequency, she began to realize that those precious few hours they spent together weren't enough anymore. She craved his touch and his affection. Every passing day became a raging battle as she sought to maintain a sense of professional distance from him, all the while being drawn to him as if Chakotay was the very oxygen she needed to breathe.

Eventually she managed to completely exhaust her mind, falling into sweet slumber, and as she slipped into a dreamy state, she hoped dearly that Chakotay wasn't as conflicted as she was.

…

One week later,

Kathryn sat in her ready room, her desk piled with PADDs that she had spent all morning working through, when the chime rang.

She took a sip of her coffee that was slowly cooling.

"Come in," she called, her eyes still glued to the PADD she clutched in her hand.

As the door opened she sensed Chakotay's familiar presence as he strode into the room. Fighting the urge to look up she kept her head down until he reached her desk.

"Here's that PADD you wanted," he held it out to her.

She lifted her head up to look at him, taking the PADD and adding it to her incomplete pile.

"Much to report?"

"Nothing of major concern," he began. "I've dealt with most of the issues, but that being said," Kathryn held her breath waiting for the inevitable, "my mind began to wander after the 26th page."

Leaning back in her chair she groaned at the thought of reading another one of Tuvok's lengthy security reports. Brushing a hand down her face and straightening up again to gulp the last of her coffee, she stood up, rounding her desk to the replicator.

"Coffee?" she offered over her shoulder.

"Please."

Once ordered, Kathryn carried the replicated tray of coffee to her table, sitting down on the couch as Chakotay did.

"Any progress on your reports?" Chakotay questioned as Kathryn poured two coffees, handing one to him. He tried to not to smirk as he sensed her wrinkling her nose in disgust as he added milk and sugar to what she would claim to be an already prefect cup of coffee.

"I only had three left," she replied nonchalantly, pausing as she held her coffee to her lips, giving Chakotay an irritated look, "and then you handed me a novel."

Chakotay laughed, trying to hold back his coffee as he regretted having chosen that moment to take a sip.

"I'm sorry I can't spare you from the pain," he leant over to place his cup on the table, "but it's only fair that as Captain, you should have to read it too."

Her face lit up in shock, and she slapped his knee lightly, but felt awkward having done so without thinking, and quickly withdrew her hand.

Sobering her thoughts, Kathryn took a sip of her coffee before changing the subject.

"The crew evaluations need to be done this week."

"So they do," Chakotay noted. "Do you want to do them over dinner tomorrow?"

Kathryn ran a hand through her hair. They had done crew evaluations before in a similar manner, discussing it over dinner and after, over a bottle of antarian cider, where their conversations gradually slipped away from ship business. But, that had been before. She desperately wanted to say yes, but she couldn't silence the voice in her head that warned her against it.

"I don't think that would be appropriate," she concluded gently.

Chakotay's eyebrows furrowed.

"We've done it that way in the past-"

"Yes, but that was before…" she said quietly. "Chakotay, it's different now."

He gave a slow nod.

"You know I wasn't suggesting anything…of that sort." He began, his voice softening. "I would _never _intentionally overstep any boundaries outside the holodeck, I promised you that."

He was careful how he reacted, but that didn't prevent him from being a little hurt that she had thought he was insinuating more than dinner.

"I know," she replied, though it was barely a whisper.

"But?"

She pursed her lips together. She felt so many conflicting emotions. She trusted Chakotay, she truly did, but the truth of the matter was that she couldn't trust herself. She shook her head looking down at her lap.

"Actually I've been thinking recently that we need a little space from each other."

"Space?" Chakotay repeated sadly.

Kathryn felt pain at the back of her throat. The disappointment evident in his tone was unbecoming of his gentle voice. He downed the last of his coffee as he stood up, placing the cup on the table before looking at her once more, still staring away, unable to look at him.

"Sorry I asked."

It almost crushed her to hear him apologize to her, but when she finally called out to him, he had already walked out the door.

…

A few days later the crew assembled in the messhall to celebrate Harry's birthday. Kathryn had a made an appearance and as always, Chakotay wasn't far behind. Though this time they did not converse together. As the night grew on and the crowd lessened, Chakotay slipped out of a group discussion about Tom's latest adventures of Captain Proton, he gazed around the room wondering whether Kathryn was still around. No where to be found amongst the crowd, and about to give up, he spotted Kathryn in the far corner of the room, her arms crossed over one another as she stood silently, looking adrift as she stared out of the viewport. Even from a distance he could tell she had something on her mind, and without any doubt he knew what it was about. He walked towards her, unsure of what to say.

"Kathryn?"

She turned her head toward the voice but kept her eyes fixed to the stars. She didn't have to look at him to know, that he was concerned about her.

They hadn't talked about what happened in her ready room those few days ago, though both had continued to go about their duties professionally.

"You've been quiet tonight," Chakotay began.

Kathryn shrugged. "Guess I'm not really in the party mood."

It wasn't an absolute lie, but Chakotay knew there was more to it.

"You've been evasive."

She turned her head away. He was right, she had been. She also knew that they couldn't go on like this, eventually they'd have to have this talk, though a party in the messhall wasn't quite where she imagined it would take place.

"I've been thinking about a lot of things lately," she spoke slowly with certainty as she continued to gaze at the stars.

"And?"

"We have to end this," she put it bluntly.

Chakotay's throat went dry.

"End what?" he rasped, knowing too well what she was getting to, but refused to be the one to say it.

She sighed deeply, hanging her head briefly before she finally turned to look at him.

"The holoprogram," she whispered, "Everything, it has to stop."

She had forced herself to hold a strong façade, though the words she spoke did nothing but add to the inner pain and turmoil of the situation.

"Why?"

She had never heard such sadness in someone's voice, yet alone in one simple word.

"It was a stupid idea to think that it could ever work."

"It does work and it's been working just fine," he stepped forward his voice becoming firmer and adamant. "I thought you were happy?"

"I was," she reassured him quickly. "Chakotay, I've enjoyed what we've shared these past few weeks. It's meant a lot to me and I'll always be grateful of what we had," she sighed feeling the weight of her decision. "Don't think that this isn't hard for me because it is."

"What have I-"

"It's not you," Kathryn quickly answered, laying a gentle hand on his arm before she pulled it back. She looked at him sadly.

"I just can't go on like this. It's too much, Chakotay. One minute we're together, and the next we're not," she looked away from him.

"I can't balance this life anymore. Did you really expect that this could go on forever? That soon enough I wouldn't care and we would end up together?"

"And that would be a horrible outcome?" Chakotay answered firmly. He understood where she was coming from. He felt it too. He wanted her, always. But he didn't want to lose her. Their journey was too long to contemplate ever being without her.

She shook her head then looked at him, her voice becoming a soft whisper.

"You know we can't be together, not like this, and not out here."

"We've been out here for years. There's no Starfleet Command to regulate this situation. Kathryn I…" he struggled to find the words to describe how she made him feel until he did the one thing he promised he wouldn't do.

"To hell with the holodeck, to hell with Starfleet, don't take what we had and rip it away..."

He looked at her seriously, stepping forward to brush his hand down her forearm.

"Be with me."

"Chakotay," she warned, stepping back. "Don't do this."

A silence fell upon them, unsure of what to say, or how to rectify the situation.

"Tell me you don't want the same thing?"

"I can't answer that," she said simply.

"Why? Because it's true?"

"I've made my decision and it stands."

"So that's it?" he shrugged.

She nodded firmly.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay."

He looked at her as though he was unable to recognize the woman before him.

"What are you so afraid of, Kathryn?"

She took a moment to collect her thoughts before she turned to leave, stopping a few feet away from him, mustering up one last ounce of strength to answer him.

"Everything."

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

"_Everything"…_

Kathrynhadn't meant to hurt Chakotay, but then again, she hadn't meant to let herself fall so deeply for a man so forbidden from her. And that was the saddest realization of all - she had fallen for a member of her crew.

She was an Admirals daughter, born and raised in Starfleet and cut from the same cloth as her father. It was the only way of life she knew until she met Chakotay. A man with a past so tragic, her heart ached for all he had lost and had fought for. But behind the anger and the rebellion that drove him to join the Maquis, she saw the soft and compassionate side behind his strong façade that he kept guarded for want of protecting all she had just put him through.

Kathryn strode down the empty corridors in silence, nodding with a forced smile to passing crew members as she tried desperately to remain in control of her emotions. It was one of the first things she was taught in command school - the importance of holding a calm outwards appearance in view of the crew. She understood that, even in such dire circumstances as being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. Yet, she had failed to maintain a certain distance from her crew. She had profoundly and irrevocably crossed the line with her First Officer.

It hadn't been her idea to begin a relationship, but she couldn't blame Chakotay, and as much as she wanted to, she couldn't blame herself. It was an inevitable attraction, one that led her to believe that she could be satisfied in that way of living. But she had made her choice. She knew it wouldn't be easy to let go, for either of them. She would miss those precious moments that they shared, she would miss that feeling of security as Chakotay held her close to him, the heat and passion of their lovemaking, and his warm breath on her neck.

As the corridor opened up to a viewport, Kathryn paused for a moment contemplating her next move. She wasn't walking to any particular destination, only to where her legs would take her. Kathryn took a few slow steps towards the viewport until she stood staring at the stars. She crossed her arms and leant her shoulder against the side of the bulkhead as she watched the stars go by. It had always been a calming pastime of hers, even in her present desolate state.

Kathryn sighed, letting her head lean against the bulkhead as she closed her eyes for a moment. If she was honest with herself, what she would miss most of all was feeling like a woman, those brief few moments when she got to be Kathryn and not the Captain who had the weight of _Voyager_ on her shoulders. But she would have to accept it. That was the price she had to pay for destroying the array.

Kathryn continued to walk along the corridors, oblivious of her surroundings until she stopped outside a door she recognized.

Sickbay.

It almost caught her off guard that her mind had been so focused elsewhere that she had made it to deck 5 without even realizing it. Kathryn stared at the door before her; she had never had a particular liking for sickbay, and being notorious for her evasive maneuvers when it came to anything medically related to her, it seemed peculiar that all her walking had brought her to the one place she in any normal circumstances avoided. But then she already knew the answer to that; it wasn't so much of what sickbay represented - it was who was in it.

Kathryn took a step forward hearing the familiar sound of the doors swish open, inviting her into the bright sterile environment. It was as any Captain would hope, quiet and empty, and though that would appear to be pleasing, it did nothing to comfort the feeling of emptiness that she felt.

As the doors hissed shut, the Doctor emerged from his office with a surprised look on his face, for the Captain was the last person he would have expected to walk through those doors. He moved towards her and though she was looking away, he noticed that she appeared to be paler than usual but more surprisingly, she wasn't trying to hide the pained expression she wore.

"Captain, are you ill?" the Doctor questioned as he quickly reached for his medical tricorder.

"No," she shook her head, waving the tricorder away as the Doctor pointed it at her. She came up to the biobed and traced her fingertips along the edge before finally looking up at the Doctor.

"But I could use a friend."

He could hear the vulnerability in her voice, and see the tears in her eyes that threatened to spill. The Doctor gave her a heartfelt nod, feeling a little touched that she had regarded him as a friend.

"Computer, seal sickbay doors," he ordered as he gestured for Kathryn to sit on the biobed.

As she sat down the Doctor moved to sit beside her. He didn't talk, he knew whatever she had to say would eventually come on her own time.

She stared into her lap as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

"A few weeks ago, I began a romantic relationship with Commander Chakotay."

The Doctors eyebrows rose.

"I see."

She wiped away the tears that stained her cheeks.

"But It's not that simple."

Kathryn began to tell the Doctor about the last few weeks, the holodeck, and her ending things with Chakotay. But most importantly she had failed to tell him all but one thing.

"Do you love him, Captain?"

Kathryn titled her head to look at the Doctor, his question obviously catching her off guard.

"What?" she questioned.

The Doctor straightened up, reiterating his question.

"Commander Chakotay. Do you love him?"

He could see she was terrified by that question. She hadn't expected their time on the holodeck to affect her as much as it now did, and it was sad to see her realize too late that their arrangement wasn't a simple fix to an impossible solution.

"Yes," she finally admitted after several moments.

She straightened up and looked at the Doctor, the sadness still evident in her eyes.

"I do."

The Doctor gave her a weak smile as he slowly nodded and ran a hand down her back. Though he couldn't pretend to understand the logic behind her arrangement, he understood her position as Captain and he understood the human need for companionship, so until she was ready to leave, he'd continue to sit with her in silence for however long she needed.

…

When Kathryn left the messhall, Chakotay spotted a few stray eyes looking in his direction and as much as it pained him, he had to pretend that nothing but a collegial discussion had passed between them. So he moved to join Tom's group but his participation was forced, as was the smile on his face. He knew he shouldn't have pressed Kathryn for a real relationship, it was the one thing he had promised her; he had promised her that their time on the holodeck wouldn't come to that –but it had. Kathryn was right, in essence they had clung to a fantasy in hope that in time it would become real.

After an appropriate time after Kathryn had left, Chakotay excused himself from the party. Sleep would be a futile attempt, and he doubted the Doctor would be pleased to treat him after a grueling boxing session with the safeties turned off, so Chakotay began to walk to the one person he had left to turn to.

…

B'Elanna sat on the floor in Engineering, tools spread across the floor as she examined an open conduit. When she heard the sound of footsteps come up behind her she threw her head over her shoulder catching sight of her visitor.

"Chakotay," she said, turning her attention back to the conduit. "I thought you were at the party?"

"I was," he answered bluntly, gritting his teeth as he fought back the emotion inside of him.

"If the Captain has sent you to check on the modifications tell her that they won't be done for a few more hours," she said knowingly, while wiping invisible dust off her trousers as she stood up and grabbed her tool kit, "So she may as well wait to check on them in the morning," she continued.

But when B'Elanna stood before him she saw sadness in Chakotay's eyes and tightness to his lips that masked an inner turmoil and heartache she hadn't seen in him for many years.

"Are you okay, Chakotay?"

He clasped his hands tightly behind his back, looking down at the floor closing his eyes briefly before he lifted his head and his sad eyes met hers.

"Have you got a minute?" his gentle voice asked.

"Sure," she nodded setting her toolbox down, leading him to the railing.

"I take it this isn't about the modifications then?"

He shook his head as his hands grasped the railing. A shiver ran down his spin as he peered down into engineering, reminiscent of the time he had stood in the same spot with Kathryn as they looked down upon B'Elanna as she took charge of Engineering for the first time.

Engineering was quiet with the majority of the crew in attendance of the party. B'Elanna had attended earlier but the Captain had been insistent on getting the necessary modifications done while they were in quiet space.

Chakotay knew that Kathryn would be upset if she knew that he had told a member of the crew about their affairs, but he didn't have anyone else to turn to and B'Elanna wasn't just any member of the crew, she was his close friend. They had been friends for many years and since her relationship with Tom Paris, he hoped that she would understand.

"The Captain and I…" he paused turning around to lean against the railing. "We started seeing each other a few weeks ago."

A genuine smile spread across B'Elanna's face.

"That's great, Chakotay," she approved, placing a hand on his forearm.

He smiled briefly only for it to be replaced by disappointment.

"Well it wasn't so great the way we went about it..."

B'Elanna listened intently as Chakotay explained all that had transpired between the command team over the past few weeks and most importantly, what had happened recently. It wasn't the smartest arrangement, yet she understood why it had to be that way. Everyone aboard _Voyager_ could tell how much Chakotay loved Kathryn. But seeing him finally admit it was entirely different.

"You know," B'Elanna began, looking nervous for what she had to say next. "I didn't tell you this because I thought it wasn't my place to say..."

Chakotay crossed his arms waiting for her to continue.

"Do you remember last month when the Captain, Vorik and I went on an away mission for five days?"

He nodded remembering all too well how horrible that week had been without her.

"When we docked in the cargo bay, I saw the way her face lit up when you were there to greet us. I didn't look into it any further because I already knew what I saw," she paused as a smile graced her face. "And I know that, because that's the same way I look and feel when I see Tom after days apart. She may not have said anything, but I know love when I see it, Chakotay, and love isn't something you can give up on easily. Just give her time."

_TBC_


	4. Chapter 4

Time.

It was a powerful word.

On _Voyager_ it meant the Delta Quadrant it meant each passing day had been unspent with family and loved ones. It meant the possibility that _Voyager_ would never return home, but in the minds of the hopeful, it meant a chance that a wormhole would appear in every new sector of space.

_Just give her time_

B'Elanna's words that once rang loudly in Chakotay's mind, became but a faint echo as the month passed.

He remembered the words he had once spoken.

_I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen_

In the Delta Quadrant, time could be a matter of 1,000 to 65,000 light years, and that very thought terrified him.

….

Kathryn sat at her desk in her quarters holding a PADD in her hand as the other cradled her chin. She tried desperately to keep her mind focused, only to find herself re-read every line in her struggle to concentrate.

A loud bleeping sound interrupted her already distracted mind, and without a second thought she knew who it was and as much as it pained her, her heart still skipped a beat at the thought of him.

"Come in," she bid him entry, being mindful not to look at him until the last moment.

"The report you wanted," Chakotay held the PADD out to her. When she took it their eyes briefly met, but Chakotay was quick to cut the contact.

"I'm sorry it took so long."

Kathryn shrugged unbothered by the delay. In all honesty it was just another PADD to add to her growing pile. But she saw the tiredness around his eyes and it saddened her knowing that he used to conceal that impression for her sake.

"Rough shift?" she questioned.

Chakotay's eyebrows lifted a fraction. He was surprised by her comment, even she was. This was as much as normal as she had managed since their break up.

"Nothing I couldn't handle," was Chakotay's emotionless response.

Kathryn felt a knife stab into her heart.

"Of course," she replied dryly.

She wasn't as much as disappointed as she was hurt. It had been a month from hell. She had thought that by breaking things off with Chakotay, she would at the very least have a civil working relationship with her First Officer, but now it was becoming apparent that she had lost both.

Chakotay cleared his throat.

"Well if that's all, goodnight Captain," he began to retreat.

"Chakotay wait."

He paused on the spot facing the door, he clenched his jaw as he braced himself for her next words.

"We need to talk."

He loosened his jaw.

"Is it about the ship?"

She hesitated.

"No."

"Then I think you've already said everything."

The sadness in his voice was evident.

"No," she said quickly with a little more force than she would have liked. "I haven't."

Chakotay turned back to her. Kathryn could see the hurt now clearly visible in his eyes.

"What do you want from me?"

"I want us to discuss what's happened. There's tension between you and I and we need to fix that."

"This isn't something you can fix with a dermal regenerator and say it's all better, Kathryn."

"I'm not suggesting that."

"Then where are you going with this?" he insisted

She leant back on her chair and ran a hand through her hair.

"You're not making this easy for me, Chakotay."

"Easy for you?" he questioned, feeling his blood begin to boil. "Do you have any idea what you've put me through?"

Kathryn stood up and rounded her desk towards him.

"Do you honestly believe that any of this," she waved a hand between them, "isn't hard for me either?"

"Well you've been doing a great job pushing it aside."

"Because I have to!"

They looked at each other for a few moments. Raw emotions painted on their faces. Fragile emotions of the pain they had put each other through. After a while Chakotay took a step back.

"I understand your position Kathryn, I really do," he said gently.

She crossed her arms, getting impatient.

"But?" she acknowledged.

He sighed. "But, we may never get home. _Ever_. I know that's not what you want to hear and I don't want to believe it either, but it's a very real possibility."

Kathryn felt the tears sting in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall..

"Do you honestly want to spent the rest of your life alone?"

"Of course I don't."

"Then why did you push me away?" he stepped forward. "Why did you push us away?"

Kathryn's head dropped.

"Because I let it get too far," she whispered softly, walking to the viewport so that her back was to him. In all honestly, it was easier that way.

"At the beginning, I'll admit there was a spark - an attraction that brought us together and I foolishly thought that being with you that way would satisfy those feelings, but it didn't," she sighed, " I wanted more."

"As time went by it wasn't so much as a want as it was a need, because I realized that somewhere along the line I had fallen in love with you."

Chakotay's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as though it was the last thing he was expecting her to say.

"I've lost the two loves of my life, Chakotay - I can't lose you too."

He knew what she meant. While Captain, it would be too difficult to lose him while in an intimate relationship, no matter how private. She had been through it too many times in one lifetime.

They stood for a moment processing the situation until Chakotay finally spoke.

"Do you have regrets?"

She looked at him for a moment pondering his question then shook her head.

"No," she whispered. "I may not have done a great job in showing it, but I wouldn't change those weeks we spent together for anything. But I do know that I've hurt you Chakotay and for that I am truly sorry. I did what I thought was right, what _is_ right, given the circumstances."

Chakotay softened his voice. "No one on this ship would ever doubt your commitment to this crew, to your objective of getting us home and though I can't guarantee that I'll always be there. You don't need to sacrifice your happiness because there's a chance it may end up hurting you, because I think you'll find soon enough that fighting this, will hurt you even more."

Kathryn felt tears sting at the corner of her eyes. "You don't know what you're asking of me."

"I'm not asking for anything," he said simply. "Kathryn, I won't sugar coat it and pretend that our circumstances won't affect us somewhere along the line, because it has and it will. I've seen you at your best and your worst. I know how badly you want to get this crew home and I see how hard you work yourself to ensure that the crew is your number one priority. I see the sadness in your eyes when we're given hope for home that is then ripped away from us. I see your kindness and your strength, that's who you are. That's why I love you - I love who you are."

A tear ran down her cheek as she felt the weight of his words.

"I made a promise to you that I wouldn't ask for more – that was the deal and I asked anyway. What I said was wrong, and for that I'm sorry. But you're right – this tension can't go on and though I'll always cherish what we had, I miss my best friend more, and I don't want to lose her too. I can't promise you that I'll be the friend you deserve right away, because I need time, but I will promise you that I'll try."

"Did you mean it?" she asked ignoring what he had just said. "Did you love me?"

He looked at her, unsure of whether to tell her the truth.

"I still do," he admitted. "More than anything."

They fell back into silence, a faint smile graced Kathryn's lips. Chakotay smiled back taking it as a sign to leave it there, hopeful that the cracks in the friendship would slowly mend over time.

"Chakotay?" she called just when he had reached the door. He stood on the spot then turned around to find Kathryn bridging the gap between them. As she neared him Kathryn brought her hands up to fist his jacket pulling his body closer to hers and forcing their lips to crash together.

Chakotay's tongue brushed across her lips and she willingly opened her mouth, deepening the kiss and returning it fervently. Her hands moved to tangle in his hair while Chakotay's moved from her face to wrap around her waist as they backed up until Kathryn made contact with her desk.

Chakotay lowed his hands further down her waist then lifted her up easily until she sat on the desk, swiping the PADDs and various items off its the surface without a care. Kathryn's fingers deftly moved to unzip his jacket as their mouths continued their passionate exploration.

When they broke for air, Kathryn pushed Chakotay's jacket off his shoulders enticing him to shrug it off his arms, letting it fall carelessly to the floor.

Once free, Chakotay wasted no time reaching to unzip Kathryn's jacket, peeling it off with haste before slipping his hands underneath her undershirt. His fingertips lightly brushed against her skin as he pulled the shirt upwards, sending electrifying shocks down her spine.

Kathryn, lifted her arms up when her shirt reached her shoulders and Chakotay, pulled it gently over her head before casting it aside to meet the other disarrayed items on the floor.

He took a moment to look at her - she was just as beautiful as he had remembered. Her creamy breasts perfectly filled her simple black lace bra. He stepped closer to her and her face lit up with delight as she felt his hardened erection brush against her thigh.

As he had just done to her, Kathryn stripped Chakotay of his undershirt before hungrily bringing her mouth to his neck, pecking at the sensitive spot behind his ear.

"Kathryn," he gasped as her hands moved to travel down his chiseled chest.

Chakotay's hands traveled up her back until they met the band of her bra. He unclasped it expertly, pushing the straps off her shoulders as he removed it from her. He pressed their chests together feeling her nipples harden against his skin.

Gently tipping her back he placed a hand on her exposed breasts, pinching a nipple before he lowered his mouth to the peach colored bud, moving his tongue in circular motions that made her cry out in pleasure.

"I can't wait," she gasped as she felt the heat of her arousal stir inside her.

Chakotay smirked leaning in to capture her mouth with his once more as he made quick work of unbuttoning her pants. Kathryn arched her back as Chakotay lifted her hips up and pulled her pants down her legs, ridding her of her socks and shoes, and lastly her panties. He felt the strain of his bulge against his pants and swiftly rid himself of the rest of his clothing until they were both gloriously naked before one another.

Chakotay placed his large hands on her delicate hips as he placed his engorged member at the tip of her entrance. Kathryn wrapped her legs around his waist and snaked her arms around his neck, bringing them closer together, beckoning him to enter her.

Neither was hesitant as the need to be inside one another grew with intensity and passion that burned with every passing moment. With a twinkle in her eye, Chakotay slid his member with a gentle thrust inside her opening that defied the pace they had begun to set. He let her adjust to his length as he filled her, unable bring himself to forcefully enter her in any way that might bring her pain or discomfort, even if only for a moment. Kathryn moaned in pleasure arching her back to him as she raised her hips, relishing the feeling of their bodies entwining.

They set the rhythm at a fast and hard pace. They knew it wouldn't last long, but the need to be together in that moment was so intense it needed to be satisfied with a quick haste. The heat between them was rising as they both climbed to the top. Kathryn wrapped her legs tighter around Chakotay, lifting her pelvis to pull him deeper inside her until they both cried out in pleasure as they rode their final moments and Chakotay's seed filled her.

They clung to each other as they regained their breath until Chakotay pulled out and dragged Kathryn to the floor, laying in breathless silence.

"This wasn't quite how I imagined that talk would go," Chakotay broke the silence, his chest rising and falling as his breathing steadied.

Kathryn laughed, rolling over until her bare chest was pressed against his. She smiled at him before she set her head down against his chest.

"I've missed this," Chakotay said as he rubbed her back. "I've missed you."

"I know," she whispered, listening to the sound of their breathing become steadier. "Me too."

"Do you think we made a mistake?" Kathryn question after a while, lifting her head up to look around at the strewn uniform on the ground.

"No."

He sounded certain.

"You'd do it again?" she questioned seriously.

"Well, give me some time to time to recover and I'll prove it to you," came his witty response.

She laughed, her smile reaching her eyes.

"You know what I mean," she uttered as she slapped his chest playfully.

Chakotay caught her hand and pressed a delicate kiss on her fingertips.

"In a heartbeat."

It was a response that warmed her heart. She leant forward and placed a tender kiss on his lips before she reached across the floor, picking up his shirt and slipping it over her. It barely covered her ass, but Chakotay didn't mind the view.

Kathryn stood up and started to pick up the strewn PADDs on the floor and placed them on her desk again.

Chakotay reached for his boxers, puling them on then wrapping his arms around her waist from behind.

"They'll be okay with it," he whispered softly into her ear.

She bit her lip.

"I know."

"Doubts?"

"I always have doubts," she answered. "But you were right."

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't think I heard that correctly?"

She rolled her eyes turning around to place a hand on his chest.

"Chakotay," she began. "You're my sounding board, my rock, my confidant, my lover, my prisoner..." he laughed. "And you're my first officer." He looked at her and saw the adoration across her face. "I never knew one man could be so many things in my life, but here you are."

Chakotay leant forward and brushed his lips against hers.

"Whatever happens, I'm here for you," Chakotay questioned leaning his forehead against hers.

Kathryn nodded feeling as though a great weight had just lifted off her. Though their journey may be long, she found comfort in the one person who made her feel whole again and with that they would face the challenges of life in the Delta Quadrant.

Together.

_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close._

- _Pablo Neruda_

_THE END _


End file.
